My bf (soon to be married)asked me to pay off his debt of 21k what should i do?
Question:
Then you don't marry this man. Period. He is still b eing controlled by his ex wife and he is dragging you into it. And you are NOT sounding like a b*tch, you are sounding like a women with her head on halfway right..lol!
Just break it off and find a more sane guy. Sorry hun...some men are still babies..
$21,000 is A LOT of money. You are not a bad person for not wanting to give her any money. However, you have to remember that financially, this becomes your problem as well once your married. You need to set boundries with you fiance as to what money his ex gets. She's entiled to child support and that's it (unless there's something else in the divorce decree).
Find another bf-
His debts until you get married are just that...do NOT give him money to pay off HIS debts. Tell him to pay his own bills and then start walking.
As for her going on cruises and vacations on the child support money...I would assume that you have proof of that? I men since you're making that claim which can be held as slander/liable in a court of law..
NEVER NEVER NEVER !! even if there were no ex . dont assume his debt. pretty nervy of him to even ask. never -period
You want advise...don't give him the money. If you want to keep giving or lose a BF then hand him over the money because that is the 2 options you will have left to you. I'm not telling you this as just advise but to say I have done this and he went back to his wife after all my money was gone, she laid on the guilt thicker than oil after I started giving him money to help out.
I dont think you should pay his debt for him, thats his responsibility, but I would think twice about getting into a marriage if you are harboring hard feelings about his divorce agreement since its likely to be there for several more years. I can say that in my divorce I gave up more than I needed to, but it allowed my kids to stay in the home, stay in the same school etc. I could have given her much less but didnt feel like the kids should suffer because we split up.
You should:
1. Get a brain.
2. Find another BF
3. Get a brain.
4. Don't pay for somebody Else's debts.
5. Get a brain.
6. Move on and;
Did I mention, get a brain?
Don't ask yourself if u are a btch but
Ask yourself "Are you a financial institution"?
RUN in the OTHER DIRECTION.
Problems/Issues before marriage don't ever go away after marriage. Why would they? They become worse. Believe me.
THATS HIS PRBLEM,he is the one that got himself in the mess he did, he can pay off c/support off .If he owes 21k that means he hasn't paid c/support in a while !!! think about it SHE ALREADY GOT EVERYTHING !! IT'S THE C/SUPPORT SHE IS AFTER!!
you are crazy if you marry this guy. i couldn't bring myself to ask for 20 dollars from someone, let alone 21,000. you need to run..not walk, but RUN from him! you start giving him such big amounts, don't expect it to be the last time he asked for it. he obviously won't pay you back, because if he had the money to do it, he would have payed off his debt on his own. do not marry him.
You should be asking yourself another question...like do you really want to marry this guy? If you do, his debt becomes your debt anyway, and his ex wife, believe it or not, becomes your ex wife. Until this guy can show you that he can stand up to his ex and tell her NO, and mean it, dont put yourself in the position he is in now!
Why put yourself through this. You are not even married to him yet, but when you do get married to this man, there is going to be so much chaos that you may regret what you have done!
First of all. Don't pay his dept! That is his dept, not yours. Don't give him anymore money to pay for anything. He is having these problems with his ex because he is not being a man about it with doing the right thing. If he wanted to, he can prove to the courts that she is using the money for all these cruises, when it is suppose to go to his kids! What ever happened was between the two of them. This should NOT include you. It would be a HUGE mistake to marry him because you will have her in your life because of the kids. This woman is going to be who she is, and I feel so sorry for the kids who are the ones being hurt with their parents behavior. So sad.
This is all the parents fault. He has responsibilities for his kids. There is nothing you can do either. His priorities should be his kids first.
Please do yourself a favor, don't help him anymore with his child support, he needs to be responsible for his own actions, not you. Don't marry into this, you will thank me later! (smile)
If I were him, I would not be dating either. He needs to raise his kids until they are like 18, then he should date. Right now, he should take care of his kids, even though the mother has them. He shouldn't be dating at all. You should probably find yourself someone else, unless you are willing to wait for him when the kids are 18 years old? It would be a waste of your time and life.
I am sorry but I must say this, He sounds as if she is still pulling his strings !! and a man that lets that happen time and time again will keep on letting it happen no matter what, even remarrying ! IF and I say IF you did give him the money to pay off this debt, like you say there is no promise or knowing that she will not pull more strings and pull them tighter and harder ! and IF you pay this debt off I would strongly suggest that it be kept business like with a lawyer drawing up papers and all... this protects YOU from the ex.. He has responsibilities to those kids, and they come first, and if Mom is going on cruises with the kids money that is NOT saying much for her, so Dad needs to go back to court and get the support lowered or at least some put into trust funds for schooling etc.. If he can prove that the money is NOT used for the kids good then he needs to do it. YOU need to sit down with this man and make your feelings known to him about all this... do not assume it will all work out. you stand to loose more than money here.... God bless
Make long term financial plans and go after them.
If you're boyfriend doesn't join you, you better put your foot down now and get out.
Whattaya nuts? Definitely NOT! You're gonna pay down HIS debt? I dont think so. He was divorced 5 years ago. He should have his $hit together. Open your eyes, girl...PLEASE pay attention, right now!
Get legal advice. When you marry, you may be half responsible for this debt. I wouldn't pay it off, I'd feel used. No s3x is that great. Go to therapy before marriage, maybe this will help him stand up for himself to the ex and you can learn more about why his previous relationship failed.
it's so complicated, if you don't give him the money then he'll think that you don't trust him and that you don't want to share your life and everything you have with him...If you give him the money then you're right his ex-wife might get her hands on this money.
Maybe you should let the lawyer draw up some papers saying what's yours and what's his befire you guys get married kind of a prenuptial agreement and you can lend him that money, if he doesn't pay his debts with that money and gives it to his ex to spend then you ask him for the money back.
If you are going to marry him you should trust him, if you can't trust his decisions because of his ex interfering then your life after marriage will be awful with her in the middle of all your problems. Be careful, think about it again, look into your relationship a little further, see what it would be like and if you can live with it
YOU aren't a bad person AT ALL...the bottom line is that your "fiance" (amazing either of you call him THAT) made this bed and has to lay in it. It is HIS responsibility to pay off his own debts AND take care of his kids. You are marrying (would rethink THAT) HIM...not his ex wife.
As an ex wife, I only expect my son's dad to help with his share of the daycare and to pay his child support and to utilize is visitation with our son. I accept that he has remarried and don't want to put demands on either of them. Ex and I do negotiate as far as time with son and who will pick up the social calendar issue slack for our son...we usually manage to work together for our son, but we live separate lives.
HONESTLY...I WOULDN'T even date this guy til he gets his issues straightened out...if he has money problems now it WILL only get worse as time AND new marriage go on...my ex actually thought it was his right to steal my checks and write what he wanted because we were married. He felt entitled to everything in my accounts and my credit got messed up as a result...I have been fixing it myself for years and learned my lesson
- separate bank accounts and common goals with equal share of responsibilities(...all except his past marriage obligations, in your case).
You will only enable them BOTH to keep doing this if you help. HONESTLY, DON'T GET MARRIED...I know someone who regrets her life now because she iis in a very similar situation. Good luck and BE SMART. :)
P.s. as for the answers about what if you lose him or he feels you don't trust him...this isn't about trust, this is about his being responsible for the problem, not you. I would actually run like he** in the other direction! As far as his wife using cs money to go on trips, do you know if she works or has other income? I do things for myself from time to time but make my own money. The money I get for cs goes to my son for his needs and wants. That is a side issue and not relevant here. What IS relevant is that she is taking advantage of him and HE is taking advantage of YOU...get out now before this drains not only your wallet, but your peace of mind...find someone who will hold their own in a relationship and the only thing they "want" from you is to love them back. THAT is a real man.
Why marry a guy so far in debt? You'll ready to retire by the time he's all paid up. In fact, you could use the money for the wedding to pay this, and tell him you won't marry him unless he can support himself, because that's not your job. A marriage should be a pleasure, not a burden.
Your not a B your just a wise woman, hell no don't give him the money that was his debt let him take care of it, my husband came into our marriage with a huge credit card debt from his ex and I am sure not going to pay it, he can.
I would also suggest you take over finances of you guy's new home so softy will not be giving your future away.
when i was deep in debt i used this page to compare different options available to me. worked like a charm!
Don't. You don't need a crystal ball to see your future with him. Go find someone else that really rocks you, not take you to the cleaners.
there are lots of options if you are in debt. i recommend doing debt consolidation. use this site to get quotes on the best deal for you.
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