How can your teach your kids who are nearing aarp-membership age to be self-sufficient?
Question:
Yes, we know that's called enabling, but there are grandkids involved, and we don't want them to suffer. Dear Abby says no one can take advantage of you without your permssion, but my philosophy has always been if I have it and someone else needs it, I should share.
But lately, I haven't had enough to share.
Answer:
Please watch Dr. Northrop of PBS, she makes a lot of sense about how women love those things they have a relationship with, and because we dont have a relationships with our money, we dont care for it and nurture it. We just give it away.
After watching her show I almost cried and thought WHY didnt I see this years ago? She talks about giving more than we can afford to - about telling your kids "no" when they want money for you.
I loaned my son the downpayment for his house when I sold mine, he promised to pay me interest on the money, then he needed money to do some renovations on it -
He walked away when he sold it with $65,000 in the bank, not bad for a 22 year old kid. As for what he owed me, well lets say I got back about 3/4 of it, no interest -
I became ill and had 5 surgeries in 8 months, he didnt offer me financial assistance even though I went through all my savings because I had no income.
My daughter and her BF go on vacations, they are on one now, they bought the most expensive kitchen appliances they could find, two vehicles, one is pure indulgence, a big fancy expensive SUV, exercise equipment, they eat out almost everyday, they have a TV that takes up half their LR.
They feel they are somehow entitled to the best of the best of everything. I supported both these kids as a single disabled mother with no child support. It was really tough.
She asked me to make payments for them on the appliances, I have, my whole life, even before being disabled looked at and lusted after these kinds of appliances but settled for second hand because it was more "practical". There is no way to "rationalize" in my mind paying that much when something much cheaper works just as well. And there are other things to spend money on that you really need.
Both my children owe me money because I have made it clear it is just a loan, since I came to my senses - I have always been a person, who if I had two pots, and someone else had none I would give them one of mine -
My kids wont be getting another dime out of me, I dont have it anyhow, but if I did - no way. They arent in any hurry to pay back what they do owe, when I ask they say they dont have it, then go off on another vacation, buy something else, like a hot tub, a new car, season tickets for hockey, another tatoo, or whatever.
Too late smart I guess. Do your kids a favour, dont enable them or they will NEVER grow up and accept responsibility, a little belt tightening would be good for them.
Tell them you can't afford to help them with their utility bills, rent, etc. They need to learn to live within their means.
If they have problems with that, offer to take the children off their hands for the summer. That should help them out (since kids cost & eat a lot!), and will make you feel better, knowing the grandkids are taken care of.
Sorry to hear you're in this predicament. If you can talk to them, let them know that they have to stop depending on you to bail them out every month.
If they insist that you "have" to give them money, refuse again except to hire a financial advisor who can talk to them and help them budget. Then YOU hire the financial advisor, and make sure s/he understands the situation, as you see it.
Good luck.
S.
what are you blabbing on about. I ate oodles of noodles for dinner last night.
It sounds like it is a little late.
If they aren't in school and doing well.
I came from middle class people that didn't have time or energy for loafers.My Dad always said when they are eighteen break their plate and show them the door.
It worked for me. All five are doing well.
I also believe that people that spoil their kids don't really love them or they would prepare them for their own survival.
Anyone that thinks they can be a parent and a friend just hasn't done enough parenting.
Well this might be a tough pill to swallow, but you should probably tell them you are cutting them out of your will.
Tell them they have already spent their share and all of the remaining assets will be willed to the grandchildren (or placed in a trust administered by a trusted third party if they are minors). At least that will force them to save something for their own retirement, because right now they are palnning on spending your estate to suppor there retirement and leaving NOTHING for the grandkids you are trying to protect!
Don't talk your self out of it do it now!
Also talk to a financial advisor and see if there is a way you can at least lower your tax burden on the money you are giving them now.
Your children need a rude wake-up call. Something that will make them realize that they HAVE TO become self-supporting (as they SHOULD HAVE BEEN through the whole of their adult lives).
You are right, you have been enabling these freeloaders. It is time that you stopped. Now YOU need to grow a backbone, and just SAY NO!!
YOU are not responsible for the comfort of their children. YOU are not responsible for keeping THEM in the style they have allowed themselves to become accustomed to. Let them sell off all the superfluous toys, and downsize the house, until they can afford to pay all their bills themselves.
And in the meantime, you just keep on saying NO every time that they come begging for you to "help". Otherwise, you are going to be on your death bed, and those lovely selfish brats you raised are going to be fighting over your "estate" long before you've breathed your last.
Actually, it sounds like they need to sit down and have a lecture, from you, on budgeting and self-discipline. I finally had to do this with one of mine. They don't like it, however, you need to remind them that you will not be around forever (that is, if you don't plan to, and even if you do, they need to stand on their own feet the way they were taught).
What you have done, by sharing, is admirable, however, you have been taken advantage of by your own child. I certainly know the name of that tune! We never, in all of our younger life, think that our child will do this to us. Well, I'm having to put some distance between myself and mine in order to be able to live without the family at the front door with their hands out.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with only one computer in the family. This teaches them to share. Let them congregate around one TV set to watch a program together. Let Mom or Dad take the kids to school, they don't need to drive themselves. The absences of excesses makes for stronger families. They learn to share because they don't have "those things at their finger tips" just exactly when they need it. This is a basis for sharing with society.
If these kids rally are AARP material, it's time for them to take care of themselves. If they haven't learned to share by now - TOUGH . Stop putting yourself in a position of having to go without just because your children refuse to get their lives together. It's not your problem and they won't be forced to be self-sufficient until you take a stand.
Good Luck!
You have to teach them when they are young So by that age forget it>
You dropped the ball mom--those kids should have had a job at 16 earned the money for their first car. Been taken thru the throes of a work ethic and told that you were not going to be there to take care of them all their lives. I have 3 adult children that are good providers, parents and educated. They got their own educations and I have not provided them with money. I knew a grown man years ago that was always supported by parents and grandparents when it quit--he is in prison for life now. You will not fix it now but you can call a halt to the cash and perks. It is in their best interest. If they go away, so bit it they will come back. It's amazing how silent it gets when you quit passing out 100 dollar bills.
You grow up, accept responsibility for your part in this fiasco (and it is a fiasco), and you close the bank book! You made it through hard times, I made it through very hard times, and I got no help from parents who could well afford it. I never assumed they were being mean, it was MY problem, not theirs. They paid for my college education, helped me out when I first hit the streets, but there comes a day when enough is enough, and you are well past that point. Trust me, they will not be there for you when you need it! I do NOT have a flat digital big screen tv, and I could afford it if I wanted it...but I don't even watch my regular tv (tell me the name of ONE good show on TV!)...You are doing your children NO favors by continually helping them out of jams they put themselves into. That is NOT what a parent does...your job was to raise them to be responsible adults, and they have not turned out to be what you would want...so it is time to finish your job...shut the check book, say "I cannot afford to help you any longer." and leave it at that. You cannot buy their affections, so stop trying. Their children are THEIR responsibilies, NOT yours. Trust me, their kids will not go hungry, and if they do, it will be a lesson your kids will remember for a long time. IF they do not shape up, IF those grandchildren go hungry, it is time to take the final step..REPORT them to family services as abusive. Sorry to be so harsh, but perhaps it is you that needs a final lesson here. As long as you are their safety net, they need not be responsible. Not a good idea in any sense of the word. "No" is a very easy word to say...try it out.
tough love will help them learn proper priorities, you should not do without so they can have a big screen tv and you pay their utilities, you will not always be here
Sorry , they're playing you like a harp and teaching their children how to be moochers too.
Cut off the money tout de suite. Tell em you're doing it for their own good because when you die , they will be sol, so they may as well learn now before you die.
Sneak the grandkids money if you must or go out and buy them what they need but to a limit, take the kids with you.
Give your money to a charity who will actually appreciate it , if you must , your church, the spca, whatever. Better yet spend it on you, no one says you HAVE to leave kids a financial inheiritance. I'd like them a values based one , though written in a book of how you made it and why they should start making it themselves.
Sorry you've made this mess yourself, no should have been in your vocab, since they were little.
I am sorry but you are a dollar short and a day late if you kids do what you mentioned above. CUT the leeching blood suckers off without a cent. BTW you don't have to leave them anything in your will but one penny, so they can contest it later and say your forgot them.
More Questions & Answers...